adam_tupper

What a great word. And if it isn't a real word already, it is now. And if it is a new real word, copyright 2007 Adam Tupper.

I felt the need to rename my cats. Why, is probably the first question. Well, there are a couple of answers to that so we'll go through them as quickly as we can. First off, my ex-wife/crazy lady named them, and since she is officially persona non-grata, it was not just necessary but essential to rename them.

Secondly, their names never really fit them to begin with. Sure, naming cats after Egyptian gods and pharoahs makes sense in a way (Egyptians respected and warshipped felines), but my cats' old names (Hatschepsut and Bastest - Hat and Bast for short) were...kinda dumb. People always gave me the one eyebrow up "I see." whenever I'd tell them the cats' names. This irritated me considering the fact that I am known for my awesome naming skills when it comes to things and people.

Thirdly, they never really answered to their old names anyway. Sure, Bast kind of knows her name, but really she's responding to the sound we make when we say the name, something that can be easily transcribed to any other name. Why I could (and did, occasionally) call her horrible things when she pissed me off, and she responded the same as when I was trying in vain to get her to come to me by calling her name. Hat is even worse. We never called her by her name. It was always 'kitten', 'you', or 'you little bitch'. I'm pretty convinced she's more comfortable with 'you f**king whore of a cat' than 'Hat'. However, I have no wish to name my cats after swears...at least not anymore.

So what are their new names? Sheena came the closest when I told everyone I was changing them. Bast will henceforth be known as Mystique and Hat will be known as Rogue. Not only are the new names cooler (Sorry, but they are), but they fit the cats' personalities much better. Mystique is a name fit for a mystery cat, and my tortie is definitely hard to read most of the time. Rogue is apt for an animal always on the run, always willing to fight and never playing by the rules. My grey cat fits that description to the letter.

So there you go. Now all I need is a dog named Colossus, another cat named Shadowcat, a parrot named Archangel and a hampster named Beast and my x-pet collection will be complete! And before you laugh at me, my roommates' cats are named Disco and Tec...that's right, Discotec. They're a U2 cd just waiting to happen!

-AT

Now that TV's longest running sitcom/animated program has hit the big screen, a flurry of blogs/webposts/nerd chatter has gone up about the 10 Greatest this and the 20 Biggest that in relation to the show. Picking a favorite character or best episode is like trying to pick your favorite child; undoubtedly this week you have one, but it changes constantly and randomly. I love 'The Simpsons' like nothing else in life, not only for the hours upon hours of A+ entertainment, but for all the great life lessons and knowledge gleaned from every episode. So instead of giving some limp-wristed top ten, I present to you a list, in no particular order, of just some of the many, many, MANY life lessons and knowledge I've learned in my 18 years of Simpsons servitude.

- William Henry Harrison died in 30 days. Taylor, Tyler, Fillmore and Hayes presumably survived as President of the United States for slightly longer.

- Roosevelt was the first social security recipient, just ahead of a still-bitter Montgomery Burns.

- Pierre Jules Ceasar Jensen invented helium. And Principal Skinner still curses his name to this day.

- Occam's Razor is the term used to define the simplest explaination being the correct one. It's a helpful term, especially in reference to reverse vampires.

- Shaudenfreude is German for shameful joy. Homer firmly believes those Germans have a word for everything.

- A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man. And despite what you may have heard, embiggen is a perfectly cromulent word.

- Nuclear radiation mixed with tobacco seeds, tomato seeds, sunflower seeds and gummy bears makes a disgustingly addictive plant called ToMacco.

- Donkey Kong's still got it.

- There is a 5-day waiting period while a background check is performed prior to you owning a firearm in the United States. Luckily alcoholism, frequent bouts with the law and beating up (former) President Bush only limits you to three handguns or less. God Bless America.

- Fustigate means to beat someone up.

- A Gourmond is a fat french guy.

- Abbatoir means slaughterhouse.

- A perpetual motion machine is a theoretical device that creates energy from nothing by going faster and faster. Lisa once built one causing Homer to yell, "In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

- Cola mixed with teeth and static electricity can create life. Tiny life that follows Lutheran doctrines, but life nonetheless.

- a Kwigybo is a big dumb balding North American ape...with no chin...and a short temper.

- The Loyal Order of the Stonecutters control the British Crown, keep the metric system down, keeps Atlantis off the maps and the Martians under wraps, holds back the electric car, makes Steve Guttenburg a star, robs King Fish of their sight and rigs every Oscar night. Presumably their offshoot, the Secret Order of No Homers, does all the same things while having Homer Glumplett as their sole Homer. See, their allowed to have one.

- When the sign says do not feed the bears, man you better not feed the bears.

- German General Rommel was called the Desert Fox. According to Mr. Burns, he was a man who got things done.

- Mr. Burns shares several similarities to Oskar Shindler. In his own words; "...We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, except mine worked dammit!"

- It is possible for people to have a boxing match with horses in international waters.

- There is a street named after Fidel Castro in San Francisco.

- It is possible to smoke yourself thin.

- Trying is the first step towards failure.

- Tattoos help you to remember the things you love...except Starland Vocal Band.

- Old people should be studied to determine what nutrients can be extracted from them. At least that's what that Ross Perot pamphlet says.

- Fireworks can be used to fix pretty much anything.

- Amy Tan wrote the Joy Luck Club, Tom Clancy can be tricked into giving book jacket quotes and Gore Vidal kisses boys.

- When writing a play, fill it with swears. That's what David Mamet does.

- Vodka and Wheatgrass mixed together is called a Lawnmower.

- Movies about killer robot driving instructors who travel back in time for some reason and have pies as partners are pure gold.

- If a dog has shifty eyes, it means he's evil.

- Meh is an expression of complete apathy towards people, places, events, ideas and experiences.

- Extopalopakettal is the Olmec God of rebirth.

- Tenneseein' is Tennebelievin'.

- The Ace Awards celebrate the best in cable programming.

- Steve Allen invented the pog.

- Kangaroos have mucus in their pouches.

- Alcohol is the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

- Smithers has the brain pan of a stage coach driver.

- If you ever get the chance to meet Mr. T at the mall, don't go too late.

- Billy Beer was invented by President Jimmy Carter's less successful brother, William. According to Homer, Americans elected the wrong Carter.

- Aquaman cannot marry a woman without gills. They're from two different worlds.

- Homer's advice on tuxedos; "It's like a rent-a-car, son. You get all the mileage you can, then ball it up and cram it through the mail slot."

- Oakridge Nuclear Facility was the birthplace of the atomic bomb. It's still not as cool as Diablo Canyon 2 or 1.

- Milking rats is a cost-effective substitute to cows.

- Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what seperates us from the animals...except the weasel.

- When you compete is sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, but how drunk you get.

- Ricky, Lance and Julian use to be considered manly names.

- They have the internet on computers now.

- V8 juice is 1/4 gasoline.

- Ted Koppel is a robot.

- Thomas Edison invented the Tassometre, the heliotrope and the electric hammer. He was also a shameless self-promoter who rarely wore pants.

And two of my all time favorite Simpsons lessons...

- If you hate your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half assed...that's the american way.

- everybody hates birds.

Chances are if you understood the references above you are either A) a diehard Simpsons fan, B) Certifiably insane or C) both. Rest assured this list will no doubt help to put the You back in ImprYouvement.

To many more years of Springfieldian influence.
-AT

Everyone knows that music is subjective. You like what you like and I like what I like and if they don't match up, it's not the end of the world. One thing that isn't subjective however is bad music. There are songs out there so universally bad, so unequivocablly awful, they deserve to be singled out and mocked pubically. Blender Magazine recently did a list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever, but someone forgot to tell them that just because it came out in the 1980's doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad song. Sure Starship's 'We Built This City' is bad, but the worst song ever? Oh no, it gets much worse than that...much worse.
In compiling this list, certain omissions had to be considered. Pop bands were automatically disqualified for their overwhelming lack of creativity and the fact that basically they're manufactured to be bad. The vast majority of 60s and 70s music was ignored, given music was different back then (and disco is still making a comeback of sorts). 80s music was also by and large given a pass, mainly due to their being a difference between making bad music and being experimental. Finally, actors and actresses need not worry about their musical talents being made fun of, as it isn't their fault that some idiot thought they had enough singing talent to fill out an entire album. You can thank me later Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy and Lindsay Lohan.
And now, I present the list of the worst, the crappiest, the most vomit-inducing songs ever to grace your radio or TV (thanks to Dane Butler for help with this list).

#20 - Starship - We Built This City. It is such a universally bad song that it has to go on this list. Who the hell ever thought that corporate rock was a good idea? Embodying everything we hated about the 1980's in one 4 minute piece, Starship also couldn't seem to be the least bit original while doing it. Thankfully, we haven't heard much of them since, which is a blessing given that Grace Slick and her freaky eyes are the stuff of nightmares.

#19 - My Dingaling - Chuck Berry. Holy smokes. I believe this song was composed just after Chuck was staring at his crotch and thinking, "You know what I could use right now? A handjob." Even more miraculously was that it managed to be released as a single and NOT freak out the general populace. Oddly enough, this song beat out "Afternoon Delight" as the most blatant sexual favor song ever sung by a blues musician, for obvious reasons.

#18 - Who Let The Dogs Out - Baha Men. Just the thought of this song should be enough for you to get your animals checked for worms. Much like another song on this list, potentially the worst thing about this inane barking mess is that SOMEONE ELSE recorded it first! Who remakes a song where the chorus involves barking?!? "Hey guys, you know that barking dog song we heard while vacationing in Trinidad and Tobago? Let's do that song!" Credit goes to the Baha Men for appearing on The Simpsons and parodying this song, but since the parody had nothing to do with how much it blows dog biscuits, this puppy is officially set to be euthanized.

#17 - Good Morning Starshine - Oliver. A lot of songs are about drug use. Some are even about a magical trip that takes place while on said drug trip. But very few songs are about tripping out after looking at a full moon while on LSD, which is what seems to be the theme behind this song. Half the damn song is taken up with nonsensical gibberish like 'scooby doobie wah wah' and 'La lee lo lo lo'. I respect wanting to make a song about your doped out lunar experience, but please, create a narrative! After this song no one said 'Please sir, can I have some more?" and Oliver went back into obscurity.

#16 - Graduation - Vitamin C. My guess is that Vitamin C really misses high school and would eat several babies just to take grade 12 over again. Most likely whoever turned this drekky pap into a single for her also misses taking P.E. and making fun of the nerds who hung out in the third floor hallway during lunch. I'm as sentimental as the next guy (well, not really) but this surrupy mess of a song makes me glad I blocked out all my high school memories. There is one positive thing about Vitamin C however...she has a nice rack. Now there's a legacy mom and dad can be proud of.

#15 - Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus. Yes, I am picking on the guy who now plays a country and western House M.D. He deserves it for releasing this monstrosity on the world. Not only does this song contain everything horrendous about country music in general, not only does it contain one of the worst mullets in the history of hair, but it also has a dance! That's right, just throw this jem on at someone's wedding reception (preferably someone you hate) and watch the elderly get up and shuffle their feet in an achy breaky fashion. Say what you will about Boot Scoot Boogie...at least that dance involved some rythmn. Seeing a group of people do the Achy Breaky is like watching line dancing at the mental ward.

#14 - Neverending Story Theme - Limahl. This song is gay. And when I say gay, I mean it in every sense of the term. Some use 'gay' to mean 'lame' which is a good way to describe this theme to the movie series of the same name. Many others use 'gay' to mean 'homosexual' which also describes this song, especially as sung by Kajagoogoo lead warbler Limahl. I haven't checked recently, but I'm pretty sure when you look up 'gay' in the dictionary there's a picture of this guy and the lead singer of Dead or Alive throwing cottonballs at Clay Aiken. The problem with this of course is that no self-respecting gay person would want to be associated with this paltry theme. Really, all this song does is draw attention to the fact that the Neverending Story is a walking contradiction. It should have been called, 'The Eventuallyending Story' but that don't sell giant furry flying doggies now does it?

#13 - MacArthur Park - Richard Harris/ Donna Summer. No, you read that right. Sir Richard Harris, world-renowned actor and Dumbeldore in the Harry Potter films, is responsible for unleashing the overstated inaneity of 'MacArthur Park' upon the world. Honestly, I don't even know what this song is about. At one point I thought it was about a dangerous part of a city, then it seemed to be about some kind of cooking experiment gone wrong, and then I kept getting it mixed up with Weird Al's parody, 'Jurassic Park' (how does a parody end up being better than the original anyway?). Whatever the song is about, there's little doubt over how dumb it is. Which of course means that P. Puff Daddy Diddy is going to remix it for his next release. Speaking of Mr. Diddy...

#12 - I'll Be Missing You - Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans. I say this now as a warning; if anyone ever releases a tribute song like this for me when I die, I swear on ten Jesuses that I will resurrect myself as a zombie and personally eat your brains. I respect that Sean Coombs wanted to pay tribute to Notorious B.I.G., but why did he have to do it at the Police's expense? Why anyone would think a song about an obsessed stalker would make a good tribute song is beyond me. Maybe Biggie was a stalker too. Seems to me though that you'd want to downplay that when eulogizing someone. P.Diddy Daddy has put out his share of crapulence, but this overwraught 'November Rain for the R&B set' is his worst offense.

#11 - Check Up On It - Beyonce - Truthfully I could have picked any number of Beyonce/Destiny's Child songs for this list. She is the Phil Spector of musical crap, and by that you can either say she's prolific at creating bad songs OR that she murders music by shooting it in the head. So why 'Check Up On It'? It defines cookie cutter hip-hop, makes no use of Beyonce's (admittedly genuine) musical talents AND comes from that completely horrendous Pink Panther movie starring Steve Martin. There is no tone or flow to this song, and near as I can tell is about Beyonce telling some guy to MAYBE come and get with her...you know, if he has time...if he's not too busy. It's nice that time management has made its way to Hip Hop. Too bad Hip Hop still has plenty of time to waste on Beyonce.

#10 - Get Down - B4-4. Oh Lord have mercy on me for remembering this song. Way back in the late 1990's these two musclebound doofuses hit the Canadian music scene with this randy little diddy. Here's a sample of some of the lyrics; "If you get down on me I'll get down on you/I do anything you want me to". I'd go on, but then a hole would open up in the earth and we'd all be sucked into hell, where I'm sure B4-4 serves as Satan's musical minions of pain. There were actual cases reported of people's brain's exploding upon hearing the entire song, their cerebral cortexes being unable to handle the influx of fellatiated treakle. As a pop song, it alienates the very fan base it panders to while offending anyone who has, well, taste. It is complete garbage.

#9 - Faith - Limp Bizkit. Everyday I wake up and pray that Fred Durst doesn't release any more music. This 'limp biscuit' (see what I did there? Oh that's right, I am that awesome) of a cover came out before Fred and his cronies hit it big, and in many ways launched their career. I'm not sure if you can call screaming into a microphone while rapping about your sexual prowess despite having a small penis a career, but try telling that to Fred Durst. The problem here is that 'Faith' by George Michael isn't a bad song but it isn't a great one. It's at best mildly familiar. So when you make a gawdawful remake of an already average song, it's pretty much a sign of the impeding apocalypse. I hear there's a petition online to prevent Durst from ever releasing another CD. I urge you not to sign it. Another Limp Bizkit CD is little price to pay to see Durst horsewhipped and then catapulted into an iceberg.

#8 - The Anthem - Good Charlotte. Hey kids! It's time to learn the definition of irony. Alanis once said it was like rain on your wedding day, but she's a retard. Irony is when a group of so-called musicians, built out of the worst parts of a Hot Topic to pander to the Emo crowd, tell you to be yourself and to not conform to society. I heard that at one of the more recent Good Charlotte shows they just put a bunch of cardboard cut outs of the band on stage, played their CD over the loudspeakers and no one noticed. Here's the thing; when a stupid rock band tells you to rebel and fight the machine, they're doing it to sell records. No one in Good Charlotte gives a damn if you flip off your parents and go skateboard. They're too busy buying eyeliner, going to Maui and sleeping with Hillary Duff to care. Just remember when rich, spoiled, overdressed pissants tell you what to do, fight the hypocracy and don't give in. Also, drop kick them if you get the chance.

#7 - She Bangs - Ricky Martin/William Hung. If by 'bangs' you mean blows, then she sure does. First off, this song is a direct shot at everyone who thinks, knows, believes, speculates, or fears that Ricky Martin is gay. Secondly, it may be the worst rebuttal to that question ever. Thirdly, this stupid song was redone by a halfwit asian joke in what has become known as 'the cruelest trick ever played on anyone who wanted to be famous'. How did this song become so popular, when it's clearly about abuse? This girl he's singing about is assaulting him throughout the song and he likes it! Sadism aside, neither of the artists here (and I use that term in the loosest sense) are convincing as the narrator. Ricky is looking for a 'he' to bang, and William Hung doesn't even have a shot with the assistant director's second cousin who has a neck goiter, a hairlip and three missing fingers. Seriously, she's popular with the Fangoria crowd.

#6 - Angel - Shaggy. Damn you Shaggy! Damn you for ruining Steve Miller's 'The Joker' for the rest of us! That was his best song and now all we can think about when we hear it is you screwing it up! Sure, 'Abracadabra' is pretty good, and 'Jet Airliner' has its moments, but it was all about 'The Joker'! And don't apologize to us! Apologize to Miller! Tell him how sorry you are that all the kids these days go, "Hey, that sounds like that Shaggy song!"! And they don't even say "That Shaggy song." They say, "That STUPID Shaggy song."! Steve Miller doesn't deserve that! No one does! Damn you Shaggy...damn you to hell.

#5 - Butterfly Kisses - Bob Carlisle. I've heard a lot of songs in my life. None have made me physically nausious...until this one came out. Bob wrote this song for his young child, which in itself is a touching tribute from father to daughter. Awwwwwwwwwwwww, you may be thinking. Go and download the song and see if you feel the same way afterwards. This song is so sappy, as Lisa Simpson once said, "...they'll be blowing their noses with pancakes." It's like a triple fudge strawberry sundae with sprinkes and a cherry, followed by a 4 lb. bag of sugar. Sure it's not pretentious or preachy and miraculously contains no samples of other songs, but seriously, this is amateur hour at best. What's next, "Snuggles", the song about my neighbor's cat? Perhaps I should write a song about my undying love for Sarah Michelle Gellar and call it 'SMG: You'll Always Be My Buffy'. Maybe then she'll finally have that restraining order recinded.

#4 - My Humps - Black Eyed Peas. Here's a test for you. Tell a female friend you like her humps. If she says what, respond, "Your humps. Your lovely lady lumps." When you get out of traction, maybe then you'll realize how infinitely dumb this song it. It first, it may appear to be a joke song. Once you realize the lead singer is Plastic Patty AKA Fergie, the horrible realization that this is no joke song will wash over you like sewage water. My biggest question is, who wrote this song? Surely no human being could come up with anything so awful. Did they genetically create some kind of camel/whale/human hybrid just to write for BEP? Where is it stored? Does it breathe air or water, or can it store water in one of the many humps it has built into its frame? Did they create a female camel/whale/human hybrid so the first one would have the inspiration to write 'My Humps'? Whatever the answer is, be on the lookout for bulgy fat people with hoofs and a face like Joe Camel.

#3 - Wind it Up - Gwen Stefani. I like Gwen. I really do. She's beautiful, resonably smart, has original fashion sense, is one of the only people in Hollywood not to hop from leading man to leading man...so why the hell can't the bitch put out better songs? By my tally, she has one really good song, 'What Are You Waiting For?' and that came out like four years ago! Why did my sweet, innocent, Orange County punk/ska girlie turn into a wannabe G funk who couldn't find a beat with a magnifying glass and a high hat! Ranting aside, 'Wind it Up' is bad. It is so bad it defies all logic. It's so bad that good songs turn bad if they are sheduled before it or after it when it plays on the radio. It's the black hole of bad music. "But how could it be bad," you might say for some reason. "It has a sample from 'the Sound of Music' in it!" I respond by hitting you with a frying pan in the back of the head and leaving you for dead along a highway somewhere...plugged into a 30 gig iPod filled with nothing but this song. A fate worse than death some might say...

#2 - London Bridge - Fergie. Oh yes, the girl with the silly putty lips comes back for another entry in the worst songs ever list. London Bridge is describably bad, so let's analyze. I choose point form.
* 'London Bridge' appears to be about how skankily ladylike Fergie is, until some hot dude comes by and then she wants to get all, and I'm paraphrasing here, '...nasty with the shizz'
* Not content to offend British citizenry with her comparisons to an actual Dutchess and actual royalty, Miss Ferguson also throws down with the Japanese, saying at one point, '...Fergie Ferg say me love you long time'. Classy.
* How do hoes dance? Ask Fergie, as she is '...such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho'. Most hoes I know don't dance. They kind of waiver back and forth like they're about to fall. So apparently Fergie dances like she's on drugs and in need of a fix.
* In the most confounding part of the song, Fergie raps. 'How come everytime you come around/my London London bridge wanna go down'. What the hell is she talking about? This part deserves its own point form!
- London Bridge does not go down. It goes up to allow ships to pass through, but only goes down after performing said duty. So is she saying she's already up like a bridge and now needs to return to street level?
- Is she talking about her zipper on her pants? Who refers to their zipper as London Bridge?
- Either Fergie is unfamiliar with the mechanics of heterosexual sex, or she is unfamiliar with how London Bridge actually works. Since I've seen her videos, I'm going with the latter.
* When this song begins, you hear 'Oh Snap!'. It's as if the song is warning you to avoid the next three minutes at all costs.
It's unfathomable how this song was even released. It's unfathomable how Fergie's face doesn't melt in the hot sun. My brain hurts from thinking too hard about this song. Suffice to say, it's only the second worst thing you've ever heard. So what's the first?

#1 - Drops of Jupiter - Train. I get physically angry when I hear this song begin. One time I was just sitting in front of my TV and this song came on, and out of nowhere I started punching my cat. And I love my cat! I tried to sue Train for potential to cause bodily harm, but they laughed at me. Well no one will be laughing when they find my neighbor's body I can tell you that.
If I think too hard about this musical equivalent of chinese water torture, my ears randomly bleed. I refer you to the one lyric I can safely remember; 'She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo/Reminds me that she has room to grow'. Ugh. Just writing that made me chew off my thumb. This is everything about the music industry I hate. It's a whiny, pretentious, prissy, fake piece of non-art written in the desperate hope that the lead singer might sound sensitive and bag some chicks. And you know what? I BET IT F**KING WORKED! See, now I've gone and buried my mouse in my roommate's back. To combat the negative effects this song has on not just me but the entire world, I am building a time machine. Once it is completed, I will travel back in time to when I was born, and stab myself in the ears. Certainly this will prevent me from listening to lots of good songs, but it will save me from ever having to hear Drops of Jupiter, thus making my existence better.

-AT

I debated as to whether I should post a blog on Paris Hilton's now confirmed 45 day max jail time. Certainly many other bloggers and websites have commented on this staggeringly important story, so what could I, a lowly Canadian pop-culture lackwit, contribute to this circus that hasn't already been said? Well, a lot of sites have taken the low road of laughing at Paris, and I for one support this. But let's step back for a minute and look at this whole situation rationally, you know, as if it was important news.
Paris Hilton is a socialite/"actress"/"model"/"celebrity"/party girl. In the realms of importance on Earth, she ranks somewhere between D-List celebrity and C-List porn star. She is known for partying, flashing her labia, having a big nose, partying, her pet dogs, screwing young rich men, partying, fighting with Nicole Richie/Lindsay Lohan/Mary Kate and/or Ashley Olsen, flashing her pubic hair and breasts, and partying. Oh and also, she drives poorly and while drunk. This is what got her in trouble with the law.
Now in most cases a person charged with what Paris was charged with would spend some time in jail and reflect upon how to be a better driver/person. However, Paris Hilton is not "most cases". She is wealthy and famous and was initially treated better than almost everyone else that has ever been in her position. Imagine going to jail and not having to spend time with the other inmates, have your initial sentence halved and then get released due to 'medical reasons'. Why, sure the smell of urine might have been overpowering at times, but in the grand scheme of it all, such time spent in jail given the crime commited is outrageous. Not only that, but it sends a poor message to other celebrities; we will coddle you should you commit a crime because you are better than us.
Paris Hilton is better than no one. She is without much doubt, a spoiled, bratty, brainless debutante with no social skills. She is the poster child for wealthy excess and ignorance, and for her to become a better human being, she has to be knocked forcefully from her pedestal. Putting her behind bars does not make the streets safer. It does not prevent other people from speeding, or DWIs, or reckless endangerment while behind the wheel. What it does do is hopefully twofold. First, it shows celebrities that they are not immune to the law. Far too often do we hear how John and Jane Q. Famous manage to escape the slammer, simply due to their notoriety. With young stars and starletts forgetting that they are not invincible to the law, it makes their actions all the more inappropriate and therefore steps must be taken to remind them that they, like everyone else, are a part of society. When Lindsay Lohan gets caught with cocaine in her car, she should be held accountable. Perhaps now she will be.
Secondly, Paris herself may take this time to reflect on the type of person she's become. The staggering amount of utter disdain and bile directed towards her via the internet cannot be ignored, even by her. The time spend in the pen will hopefully allow her to look inward at herself. We often forget that this is a human girl we're hating. Certainly she's done everything in her power to make us dislike her, but she is still a person. No human being can end up in prison and not examine their life. We should all hope that Paris uses her sentence to become a better person. Unless she hangs herself in her cell, we'll still have to put up with her when she gets out.
We as people should also look at ourselves and our reactions to this event. Is our shaudenfreude indicative of an underlying widespread envy directed at the upperclass? Or has the obession with celebrity introduced a societal backlash directed at those we deem unworthy of fame? Perhaps history will ultimately judge all this as a slow news week. One lesson that can be taken away from this is, sometimes when you lead a 'simple' life at the expense of others, it can turn on you. Perhaps maybe stars really are blind...
-AT

A lot of critics and internet geeks have been unpleasantly surprised by the poor box-office performance of Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's double-feature 'Grindhouse' and I must say that they're missing the big picture. 'Grindhouse' may just be the most entertaining three and a half hours you'll spend in a theatre...ever. Not only does it have completely awesome things in it like Rose McGowan with a machine gun leg killing diseased humans and one of the most awesome/terrifying/hilarious car chases ever, but it also has four brilliantly concieved trailers for fake films (five if you count the Canadian contribution, 'Hobo with a Shotgun'). Even with all that, the film just isn't doing as well as expected. Here's why.

- 3 hours and 20 minutes. That's the total running time for 'Grindhouse'. Not to put too obvious a point on it, but that's a damn long time to be sitting in a theatre without a bathroom break or intermission. Not only that, but pretty much every moment of this event is must-see, meaning that any trips to the W.C. will result in missed gore/nudity/witty yet cheesy banter. A lot of people don't like to sit through that much film, a fact not lost upon Tarantino. His last film, the incredible 'Kill Bill', had to be cut in two due to its original massive run time. Now, the very concept behind 'Grindhouse' dictates that it must be shown with both films and the trailers as they are in order for audiences to understand the filmmakers' intentions. Unfortunately this does limit the number of daily showings and the number of moviegoers willing to sit in one spot for that amount of time.

- Gore. I have no problem with blood and guts. It has never bothered me to see such violence on film. However, there are a lot of people out there put off by blood, guts and all that violence. 'Planet Terror', Rodriguez's film, is one of the vile-est films I've ever seen. Blood flows like water here, bursting from every gunshot wound like a fountain of red wine. Pus and goo are also on display, as are oozing leasions, over the top exploding heads, flying limbs, broken hands, scooped out brains and numerous other horrid ways to maim, render or kill human beings. Many members of the populace know the film is gory, and this alone keeps them away. I really can only think of one or two people who could stand to watch someone burst a tongue postule without gagging. Despite the tongue in cheek manner in which the violence is shown, this definitely limits the film's overall audience.

- Tarantino Vs. Rodriguez. These two directors have been working with one another for years. Tarantino has been involved with and in most cases cameoed in all of Rodriguez's films. Rodriguez has supplied music for and has also been on set for most of Tarantino's films. They are the best of friends. Unfortunately, their films are looked upon quite differently. Rodriguez's films are considered by some to be "Tarantino-lite", full of stylish flash but with less substance than his filmmaking brother. Tarantino on the other hand, made 'Pulp Fiction', 'Resevoir Dogs', 'Jackie Brown', 'Kill Bill Vol.1 and 2', and directed the best part of 'Sin City'. In the 'Grindhouse', 'Planet Terror' is one hugely entertaining film, but despite the action and gore being ratcheted up to 10, it still comes second to Tarantino's 'Death Proof', a slow-starting yet ultimately much more fufilling film. Some may feel roped in to sitting through a Rodriguez blood and breast-fest just to see the better 'Death Proof', especially when DVDs of the films are only months away.

- What is a Grindhouse? Not a lot of people seem to know what this concept is about. After watching trailers on television for it, I'd have to say that had I not known about the film and the style it was aping before I saw the trailers, I too might have been confused as to just what it was about. It is not evident in the televised advertising for the film that it is two seperate films AND that it's going to take a sizable chunk of your life to see it. Perhaps if the marketing department had played up those specifics more prominantly, then moviegoers may have been more forgiving and given it a chance. If only they'd also been able to detail the old grindhouse idea more credibly then perhaps the public would have gone to see just how these two brilliant directors realized this concept.

These reasons may be valid, but they are causing many people to miss something very unique. I say this as fact; IF you don't mind gory scenes and IF you don't mind setting aside almost three and a half hours, DO yourself a favor and see 'Grindhouse'. It is bar none the most entertaining piece of celluloid out there right now. When they put it out on DVD, I'll do a blog about my favorite 'Grindhouse' moments. Until then...go see it!

-AT

It doesn't take much to get my hankles up (whatever that means), but if there is one thing that really angers me, it's Christian Evangelical leaders, specifically the head of the Catholic League, Dr. James Dobson. Evangelicals are widely credited with helping to keep President Bush in office and making sure that issues such as abortion and gay marriage are at the forefront of Republican politics. In perhaps a bold statement of hyperbole, I believe they are everything that is wrong with the world right now.

Religion is something that has never touched my life. Despite my mother's retrospectively appropriate insistance that I attend church and religious studies courses when I was younger, I have never been much of a devout catholic. I am uncertain as to why. The intellect in me suggests that I am too smart to be lead to believe ideas such as heaven, angels and ghosts as factual entities. The realist in me suggests that without solid evidence to support it, the mystical concepts of catholicism that lead to its core ideas are haphazard at best and utter lunacy at worst. Of course, these ideals make me sound far too elitist so they are rarely mentioned. The probable truth, other than those listed prior, is that I simply have not sought life's meaning through religious channels. I see no need to do so. For others however, not only do I approve of religious discovery, but also encourage it. Many people depend on religion to help them through existence, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

What I do find deeply offensive is religious ideology being pushed on others. And what offends me even further is when religious ideology is pushed on others, not to benefit them, but to increase political power and the ideology of specific religious persons. This is why James Dobson is such a threat to Americans specifically and society in general.

Mr. Dobson is the head of the Catholic League, one of the largest groupings of evangelical christians in the United States. His words have incredible sway with not only his followers, but numerous politicians and even the President. His acid tongue has spoken out on the evils of homosexuality and abortion, as well as the promotion of sexual abstinence and the sanctity of marriage. Mr. Dobson has spewed these allegories as biblical truths, when they are anything but. Many evangelicals have used specific terminology in the Bible to bookend their true motives, specifically in reference to gays and abortion. The problem with this is simple; the Bible does speak of the negatives of abortion and homosexuality, but never does it specifically say that both are flat out evil. Not only that, but the primary theme of the Bible is that if you are a good and decent human being and you respect and love your fellow people, you will live a great life and an even better afterlife. There is absolutely nothing written about hating gays, denying abortion and limiting sex as part of that theme. Dobson and others like him have turned the teachings of the Bible into a political machine, built to return the U.S. to a more idealic time when God was the most important part of people's existence.

What perplexes me the most is why people follow these religious extremists. Unfortunately I already know the answer. Dobson (and far too many others in positions of power) use fear as the weapon against everything they deem as wrong and immoral. Spreading hatred and intolerance in the name of religious decency cuts to the heart of every God-fearing American in the Bible-belt. To them, heaven is the ultimate goal of existence and therefore they must do everything in their power to achieve this. When shysters like Dobson falsely preach ideals to them, they listen intently out of terror and ignore all common sense. Not only does this make Dobson and those like him dangerous, but they eventually become a threat to everyone in society. The fear is that evangelicals will become so powerful that they will soon be in a position to change and create law. What some refer to as a metaphorical civil war soon becomes a very real civil war as American citizens may someday have to choose between their basic rights and those imposed on them by a totalitarian government.

The hope is that American citizens, and all peoples worldwide, stand up to religious intolerance and remember that no matter who teaches it, hate is never the solution to life's problems. Dobson is nothing more than a close-minded fool, caught in the mindset that society must never evolve. Those like him do nothing for humanity and damage the very fabric of all that is decent and good in the world. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Jesus did come back to Earth. I do not claim to know all his teachings, nor do I know what kind of man he actually was, but there is one thing I am certain of; Jesus Christ would pity men like James Dobson and would feel shame that his words were being used to preach such inane and despicable rhetoric. Of course if Jesus did come back, most likely he would be ridiculed and maligned by men like Dr. James Dobson who would claim he no longer speaks for christians. Truth is stranger than fiction.

-AT

I actually wanted to call this blog 'Ann Coulter is a Cunt', but I thought that might be too extreme for the title. At any degree, she is not a good person. For those who do not know her, Coulter is a republican/conservative author and commentator. She is known for her take no prisoners speak in regards to Liberals/Democrats. Here are just some of the quotes available;

"We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' creme brulee. That's just a joke, for you in the media."

"Liberals love America like O.J. loved Nicole."

"There are a lot of bad republicans; there are no good democrats."

"We need to execute people like (John Walker Lindh) in order to physically intimidate liberals."

"Whether they are defending the Soviet Union or bleating for Saddam Hussein, liberals are always against America. They are either traitors or idiots."

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."

"Liberals are stalwart defenders of civil liberties -- provided we're only talking about criminals."


More recently, she had this to say;

"I was going to have a few comments about John Edwards but you have to go into rehab if you use the word faggot." --at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference


Many of you are probably wondering, 'Uh, why is this crazy lady allowed to even speak publically?' The answer is that politics in the US are centered around this kind of vitrol. Whereas Canadian politicians tend to argue more like our British cousins (with big words and sly insults), the majority of arguing over politics in the 'States are done by pundits.

Pundit (n); some jerk who is too scared/dumb/fat/ugly/rude to get into politics as a candidate.

Now all pundits are not jerks but the vast majority are, so unfortunately for Arianna Huffington and Al Franken, they all get lumped together for the sake of this article.

Why are pundits so popular? The answer is clear from Ms. Coulter's above comments; they can and will say anything to get attention. It is the bile that keeps these political talk shows interesting. Why else would anyone watch CNN or MSNBC or FoxNews if pundits were not on there to discuss the struggle for Democracy. People feel entertained by these strong personalities but the problem is that as they gain popularity, they begin to feel invincible and start to say things that any good publicist would connip over. Potentially the biggest problem with these pundits is that so-called Left-wing pundits are far less verbally frank than their Right-wing counterparts. Ms. Coulter (who shall for the remainder of this piece be referred to as Ms. Cunter) is the most extreme of these, but she's not alone. Other right-wing pundits such as Bill O'Reilly, John Gibson, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck spew similarly uninformed, uneducated and, frankly stupid comments on a nightly basis. There is no left-wing version of this, which leads the pundits on the right to consider this monopoly on meanness a mandate for further heinous sentences.

This is truly unfortunate. Pundits are not going anywhere and such harsh detante will continue unabated. With no left-wing speaker willing to take the verbal fight to their level, left-wingers are forced to take the high road when it comes to statements like that of Ms. Cunter. The worst thing liberals could say in regards to Cunter is that talk shows and events should ban her. Oooooo! Way to hit below the belt guys! Wishing that her future professional career suffers will really stick in her craw! Where are the people who should be calling her a rasist (she also made comments about Barrack Obama), no-class, rude, dick-sucking, talentless, two-rate whore bitch cunt? I'll tell you where they are; right here.

The internet is the only place where you can find anyone who is willing to drop down to right-wing pundit levels. Left-wing pundits are too busy trying to keep their careers afloat and make everyone love them than fight back against these jackasses. Do you know how many people have gone on the O'Reilly Factor and told Bill O'Reilly he's a fuckhole? Zero. Do you know how many people have asked Sean Hannity if he eats as much shit as he spews? None. Do you know how many people have said to Glenn Beck, "Stop fear mongoring you limp-dicked jerkoff asshole!"? NOBODY! And yet, they get to insult and yell and cut the mike of anyone they disagree with. This really should change, because I'd love to see someone say the things I just said, but on TV (heavily bleeped, but still gold).

Perhaps someone someday will become the mean-spirited left-wing word nazi that America clearly needs, but until then we'll just have to put up with Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. And as for Ann Cunter? She'll never learn. I wish I could say that she'll lose popularity with her most recent comment, but this is the same woman who said the 9/11 widows were dancing on their husbands' graves. I'll just have to settle for calling her names...like a chrome-pollishing, wombless, ego-centric, morally corrupt, fore-flushing, dirt slut.

Toodles.

-AT

Throughout our thousands of years of civilized existence, human beings have created some truely amazing things. From the wheel to the personal computer, from control top undergarments to everlasting gobstoppers, humans excel in making things that enhance life in every way. Of course in those thousands of years, humans have also created things that serve little to no purpose outside of our own personal entertainment. These things are usually defined as "cool". Certainly there are cool things that have genuine purpose, such as the Harrier jump jet and the stainless steel refrigerator. However, the really really cool stuff fits no other function than to blow our collective minds over how freakin' cool it is. So without further delay I present the be-all, end-all in cool-ity; The Ten Coolest Things...Ever!


#10 - The Mjolnir Mark IV Armor (From Halo 2) - There have been some pretty awe-inspiring armor in our history. Ancient Chinese armor, Medievil bulk armor, Iron Man's armor...all cool in their own way. But no suit of defence compares to the bad-assitude of Master Chief's Mjolnir armor from the videogame Halo 2. Not only does it defend against close up attacks from Covenant forces and retain no loss of motion, but it comes with its own self-repliating energy shield to protect the wearer from explosions and enemy fire. It also has an instant uplink to an artificial intelligence guised in the form of a sexy chick, and magnetic storage on the back to hold additional weapons that one might find on the battlefield of the future. Have I mentioned how freakin' slick it looks? Green is the new black I hear. This suit is so awesome nerds have actually tried to replicate it in their basements with plastic, paper machee, glue and about two miles of duct tape. Fortunately for us they can't get their hands on any plutonium to power the suit's energy shield otherwise we might all be singing the Star Trek theme song instead of our own national anthems.


#9 - Werewolves - I'm sure some of you are probably thinking, 'Why werewolves and no vampires?'. For one thing, vampires are really only cool when they're dying a la the Blade films. The other thing is that visually, vampires are usually nothing more than some pasty white guys with sharp teeth. Werewolves are not only bloodthirsty creatures of the night, but they look so awesome! Without them, the Underworld films would have been filled with a lot of angsty looks and Kate Beckinsale in tight leather pants (Not that there's anything wrong with that). Although they are sill pretty cool in just a wolf form, werewolves really bring out the uber-cool factor when they are in half-human, half-wolf form. Sharp claws, more body hair than Robin Williams AND a wolf head filled with rows of killer teeth? Now that's the epitome of cool.


#8 - Cybernetic Dinosaurs - This is an idea so cool that very few people have actually done anything with it. Cadillacs and Dinosaurs had some light cyber elements in it and so did He-Man. Really the only show to capitalize on this mind-blowing concept was Dino-Riders, a short lived 1980's cartoon that spun from a toy line of the same name. There's a lot of history to this concept according to www.dino-riders.com, but really, who gives a crap? It had people riding cybernetically-enhanced Dinosaurs! Who the hell cares what it was really about! For some reason most kids in the 80's were not all that ga-ga over cyber-dinos, and the show was cancelled. Can you imagine if this show was released just after Jurassic Park the movie came out? Perhaps the idea of velociraptors with lasers strapped to their backs and half their body replaced with robot parts was such a brain-blowing idea that they shelved it, fearing kids today might be reduced into a foaming mass of unintelligible goo over such a concept. I dare you to think of a tyrannosaur with a mechanical lower jaw and NOT smile. I dare you.


#7 - The Alien ('Alien' movies) - E.T. is such a pussy compared to these things. Let's go down the cool checklist: Intricate design? Check. Long sharp tail? Check. Extendo-death tongue? Checkarooni. Head shaped like a penis? Check. Acid for blood? Big check there. Spidery hand thingy that uses a vagina-looking dohicky to stick the creature down your throat so you give birth to it in a violent and bloody fashion through your chest cavity? Check times a thousand! Not even the "cool in concept, crap in execution" pairing with the Predator can reduce this creature's awesomeness. I was so terrified of these things when I was a kid I kept my eyes on the ceiling for a week thinking they might come crashing down on me while I ate dinner or walked down the stairs or something. Nothing else from outer space even touches the Xenomorphs on the cool scale (I'm looking at you Galactus!). And their queen? Man, the things from Independence Day have nightmares about that bitch, and I'm pretty sure they're some kind of intergalactic cousins.


#6 - Zombie Pirates (Pirates of the Caribbian) - This is a great case of taking two undeniably cool genres and mixing them together to form a massive machine of cool. I'd have loved to be there in that meeting when zombie pirates were first created;
"So we need a villain for our next movie."
"How about zombies?"
"Well it's set on the high seas, so that wouldn't really work."
"Hey, is there pirates in the movie?"
"Yeah..."
"Damn, pirates are cool."
"Yeah, pirates are cool."
"OH! You know what would be awesome? If the pirates kind of like, turned into zombies creating...wait for it...Zombie Pirates!"
Ka-boom!
The Ka-boom sound would be the simultanious explosions of all the heads in the room. Why are zombie pirates cool? Because in reality there's no reason they should come into contact with one another. Zombies are slow moving dead things that come from graves on land. Pirates are swashbuckling killers and plunderers who sail the seas in search of booty (both kinds). It shouldn't really work at all, but it so does. Sword swinging zombies with eyepatches? That is the very definition of GOLD!


#5 - Batman - This guy's been setting the cool factor for superheroes for the last thirty years. What makes Batman so incredibly hip is the fact that any one of us probably could be him if we really wanted to and had millions to spend on it. Bruce Wayne was just a regular rich kid when his parents were gunned down, driving him into a life of vengence and justice. It also made him dress up in a bitchin' costume, had him build lots of really cool tools and stuff and made him hang out in a giant computerized cave all night. Why is Batman so damn cool? Not only can he kick your ass seven different ways from Sunday but he also has a ton of sweet cars, planes, boats and other vehicles with batwings all over them, not to mention the batarangs. Oh, and he spends his evenings with hot girls like Catwoman and Poison Ivy. One last thing about Bats; He's one of the only superheroes that has no actual powers and he can STILL beat Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Green Lantern and all the other members of the Justice League. No one f**ks with Batman!


#4 - Hot Female Ninja - Everyone knows ninjas are cool. Why, they created the term silent but deadly before fat nerds co-opted it to mean a smelly bodily expulsion. Mix in these murderous masters of the martial arts with a smokin' hot girl, and you have the fourth coolest thing ever. Numerous Japanese and Chinese martial arts movies have had the hot female ninja as both a protagonist and antagonist. In North America, asian star Zhang Ziyi is one of the more famous female martial artists and has certainly done her fair share of ass-destruction in numerous films. Comic book fans will look to Psylocke, Elektra and Shi for their killer ninja prowess. Why even Alias star Jennifer Garner and Buffy's Sarah Michelle Gellar threw down a little kung fu hustle on their now cancelled shows. So what is it about hot girls in skin-tight costumes who can kill us that is so damn cool? Actually...I think I answered my own question. There isn't a man alive who wouldn't want to die at the hands of some smokin' ninja chick. I believe that's in my will as preferred method of death.


#3 - Wolverine (specifically, his claws) - Ah Wolverine. Yes he's the best at what he does, and yes, what he does isn't pretty. But the way he does it? SO...F**KING...COOL. Logan AKA James Howlett is cool to begin with because the bastard's been around for like 120 years, takes no shit from no one, is trained in multiple martial arts/government operations, hails from Canada and works alongside one of the coolest groups ever, the X-Men. But what really pushes the old Canucklehead to the near top of the coolness list is those claws...those wonderful claws. Those three adamantium skewers that shoot out from between each knuckle are 100% deadly and one of the coolest accessories ever. Every kid that's been exposed to this character has grabbed six butter knives from the kitchen, ran them through his fingers and hopped around pretending to gut any evil mutants that got in their way (especially if they happen to be a sibling or a pet in the wrong place at the wrong time). I personally crafted a set of claws for a friend for halloween back in 2000 and demanded he gave me back one group of three. Six years later and two successful performances as Wolvie since and they still have a place on my shelf. Sure it'd be cool if our arm turned into a cannon, or if our feet changed into wheels, but nothing beats claws coming out of our fists on the sheer coolness scale. SNIKT!


#2 - The Lightsaber - If there was anything that could beat out Wolverine and his claws, it's this device from the Star Wars films. No human alive can deny the utter awesomeness of a laser sword. Yeah, it's completely scientifically implausible but you know what, no one cares. They just want to wave something around and make 'vwing' sounds and imagine they're cutting through a swath of Imperial soldiers. The great thing about the lightsaber is that it's small enought to fit on your belt, but ready to deflect enemy blaster fire, burn through a door or cut off a rowdy bar patron's arm at a moment's notice. Not only that, but nothing lights your way in a dark room like a 'saber baby! Much like a number of things on this list, the lightsaber came about from the merging of two already cool things that really don't belong together; a sword and lasers. The lightsaber is so incredible it even forced millions of us to see the Star Wars prequels in the hopes of seeing some cool 'saber fights, which George Lucas really delivered on. I don't know why he doesn't just splice together all those scenes into one film and call it 'Star Wars: The Lightsaber Edition'. I'd buy it. It might make up for the crappiness of Episode One and the "Nooooooooooo!" from Episode Three.

If the lightsaber is number 2, what the hell could possibly cooler? Well, I'll tell you what...


#1 - Transforming Robots - I think that the evolution of human society has come about for two specific purposes: the first was to come up with the idea of robots that transform into various things (which is already done - congratulations human society!). The second is to actually make real robots that transform into real things like cars and animals and stuff. Once this is fully realized, I think humanity will have no further reason to do anything other than just sit around and watch their cars turn into robots and back again. This will solve all the world's conflict problems as no one in their right mind could watch a car or plane turn into a robot and not be completely impressed and amazed at the complete clusterhump of coolness on display. All wars would instantly cease as people gathered together to discuss how totally awesome it is.
Transforming robots is an idea so brilliant that only the Japanese could have thought of it first. As a matter of fact, it's a national rule that one out of every three television shows and movies made in Japan must feature a transforming robot of some sort, lest there be chaos in the streets. Shows like Power Rangers, Voltron and Robotech have all featured transforming machines of some sort, and all are pop-culture icons in their own way. Perhaps the most popular example of transforming robots comes from the appropriately named cartoon show, The Transformers. Not only does it have numerous vehicles transforming into robots, but everyday things like boom boxes, microscopes and cameras also transformed into robots! Why there were even entire complexes and bases that transformed into giant robots! Just the thought of my TV turning into a sentient robot that I could interact with about shows it broadcast to me just moments ago makes my eyes blur with joy.
In all the annuls of entertainment there is absolutely nothing that can even hope to match transforming robots on the coolness scale. I defy anyone out there to come up with anything cooler than transforming robots. Watch that Transformers trailer at the website and try not to drool.

Well that's it. Cool...defined.

TTFN.

-AT

For this, my final post of 2006, I thought I'd do a mishmash of everything that didn't make it into my other best of posts. Since I did not get any new videogame systems this year, my expertise will only be used on the games I did play, with 2007 looking to be my big year in videogaming. Also I'll be speaking about my own personal 2006 experience, and trying to make it as entertaining as possible. Let's get to it...

Best Videogame for Anger Release: The Warriors. Man, if you're having a bad day and just want to mash someone's head into a wall repeatedly, this is the game to play. The viceral experience of playing a street tough is brought to life quite violently here, and truely there is no better moment than when you let loose on a rival gang member with a bottle to the head.

Best Videogame: Marvel Ultimate Alliance. There is so much fun to be had here. Anyone who's even kind of familiar with Marvel characters will get a kick out of the sheer number of geek moments here, from Captain America's awesome shield throw move to the battle with the devourer of worlds, Galactus. Lots of stuff to unlock, multiple costumes, a great storyline and some amazing gameplay add up to one heck of a fanboy's dream.

Apple's Best Idea since the iPod Nano: A cheaper iPod Nano. Not only is it still the best MP3 player out there, now it costs less AND has a longer battery life.

Finally a Bobblehead worth Owning Award: Dwight Bobblehead from NBC's The OFFICE. Now I have something to remind me to add my martial arts experience to every resume I put out there.

The Surprise, Surprise Award: Sony's lack of PS3's for the North American launch. I'd have been surprised if they had met their 400,000 systems for launch quota. Don't weep for Sony though; 2007 will be a banner year for them.

The Genuine Surprise Award: Nintendo Wii. Not only does Nintendo have lots of these little systems out there, but they're meeting and exceeding fan expectations. Glad to see Nintendo's still got a ton of creativity up its sleeves.

The Unintentionally Bad Song Award: Gwen Stefani's 'Wind It Up'. Oh yeah, it's bad, but her intentions were good. After all, anyone who puts a sample from "The Sound Of Music" in a pop song deserves an E for effort. But like my friend Dane says, it still '...sucks so much it should be porn.'

Best DVD Boxed Set Award: LOST season 2. There is a comically large amount of content here. There are enough commentaries, interviews, analysis, behind the scenes stuff and other extras here that going into all of it would take me through to the end of Season 3. Suffice to say that if you're a fan, this is a great set. Runner Up: The Office Season 2.

Best Toy: Optimus Prime 20th Anniversary Masterpiece figure. I don't even have this and I'm putting it here. This is the definitive Optimus Prime toy. It transforms, it's huge, it comes with the Matrix and an energy axe AND it's got audio! It may be damned expensive, but Transformers fans will crap energon when they see it.

The 3 for $10 Panties Award: Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Yeah, I know Paris Hilton showed off her cooch this year too, but that thing's like the Sixth Sense; Everyone's seen it by now and knows how it ends. Brit and LiLo's vag-tastic showings this year remind us all of two things; #1: Nudity still garner's attention and #2: Brazilian Waxes sometimes leave razor burns. I never thought I'd say this, but...I really didn't need to see that shit. Next time you want to show off, flash the rack. Leave the cunny covered up girls.

The "Christmas is over, time to die!" Award: James Brown, Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussain. I'm pretty sure there's a good 'walking into a bar' joke in there somewhere...

The Million Little Mistakes Award: James Frey. I don't care how damned good his book is; if it's an autobiography and you make stuff up, you're a douche. Call it fiction and be done with it! Damn you James Frey! You brought Oprah down a peg! A whole PEG!!!

The Thank God They Didn't Do It Award: Fox, for not broadcasting or printing that OJ Simpson book, "If I Did It". And while we're on the subject, who thought that would be a good idea? "Hey, let's get OJ to write a book about how HE would have murdered his ex and that guy. I mean, he didn't really do that....right? Right?" As Rob Corrdry would say, "I mean, Come ON!"

The Totally Gay Award: Clay Aiken. Oh and that singing guy, George.

The Totally Straight Award: Tom Cruise. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are.

The Human Zit Award: Kevin Federline. I hear they're naming a new disease after Kevin. It sticks to your arm, emits buzzing sounds that seem to sometimes rhyme, duplicates at an alarming rate and somehow manages to lose thousands of dollars. Fortunately all you have to do to get rid of it is ignore it for awhile and it'll move into obscurity.

The David Duke Award for Public Racism: Mel Gibson and Michael Richards. Nice work guys. Too bad they both missed that conference in Iran to discuss how the Holocaust never happened. I heard they really wanted to go but they couldn't get their hoods their whitest. There's always next year.

The Don't Let the Door Hit you on the Ass Award: Donald Rumsfeld, Rick Santorum, Dennis Haystert, Bill Frist, Scott McClellan and Katherine Harris. Man, Americans have really shitty public politicians...

The Please God Don't Screw Us Up Any Further Award: Stephen Harper. Let's see....funding cut to schools, the enviroment and health care...funding added to the military...won't allow journalists to show returning dead Canadian soldiers...re-opened Same Sex Marriage debate, albeit temporarily...still can't bend at the waste...No wonder he's not looking forward to an election.

And the Biggest Newsmaker of 2006: Britney Spears. Why the hell is it that this girl is more noteworthy than the Iraq war, democrats taking over the American congress, North Korea's nukes and the Mohammed images outrage? Well let's see...In 2006 Brit continued to baffle us by remaining married to Human Zit 2006 winner K-Fed; Appearing naked and preggers on the cover of some magazine; having another soon-to-be-Mensa-bound child; getting fat and gross then getting back into shape (although it just wasn't the same); driving with her kid in her lap; nearly dropping said kid on at least two seperate occasions; giving K-Fed the ol' heave ho; appearing in a bizarre and quite frankly scary video where she discusses the possibility of Back to the Future being real; Partying it up with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan; and finally, showing her bald baby-hole to the entire world. I know my life is now complete by bearing witness to this cycle of debauchery and ingrown hairs. My hope for 2007: Britney finds a good dermatologist (or someone to at least give her a good airbrushing).

On a more personal note, 2006 was a year of change for me, and indeed for many people I know. The changes have been, for the most part, negative. Seperations, break-ups, moves, financial difficulties, career changes and illness have dominated my life over the past year. Amidst all this change, one might say that 2007 will be better no matter what. To this I say, I don't know. All the things that happened in 2006 were mostly due to circumstances out of my control. It is hard to accept that sometimes bad things can happen to you no matter what you say or do. It's just a fact of life. Looking at the year as a whole, there is nothing I could have done to prevent these bad things from happening. What does this mean? Well, it means that I have to try and not dwell on the past, which I have been trying to do. It also means that it is pointless for me to plan for a better 2007. All I can do is be me; hell, it's gotten me this far. If by being me it means that more bad things happen, then so be it. I can't change who I am, and I don't really want to. I like me just fine, I just need to tweak some aspects of me. Change happens for a reason and all the things that have happened are not mistakes. It's time to learn from the past and face the future with as bright a smile as I can muster. I don't know what 2007 will bring; I only know I have to do everything I can to meet it with the best of me on display.
I wish everyone out there the best of the new year, with specific wishes going to Laura, Dane, Nat, Amanda, Jenn, JR, Jessica, Tiffany, Dave, Steve, Ben, Jerome, Sean, Kev, Maggie, Tiphanie, Jeff, Madonna, Ramon, Charlie, Chris, Brandon, Shiloh, Marcin and Sheena. Rock on guys.

-AT

What's that you say? I should be drawing instead of posting to my blog? Why I do believe it's none of your business what I choose to do! So suck it.
As the best of '06 continues on unabated, today we turn our attention to comic books. Comics continue to prove that they are a viable literary component and just as influencial on society as other aspects of the entertainment industry. So what made my socks rock this year?

Most Bizarrely Cool Moment: Batman fighting a bunch of Ninja Man-Bats. Do I even need to say anymore?

Most Insanely Cool Moment: Captain America's escape from SHIELD in Civil War #1. Man, if there was ever any doubt how freakin' awesome Captain America is, this moment will put it to rest. Not only does he battle through a gaggle of SHIELD Agents trained to take down superheroes, he jumps out of the SHIELD Helicarrier, lands on a F-22 Raptor Jet and escapes ucompletely unscathed. Take that, enemies of liberty!

Most Insane Moment: Superboy Prime decimating half the DCU. This kid just seemed a little whiny and impatient until Infinite Crisis #4. Then he decided to confront the real Superboy about his lack of inaction. One huge brawl later and a bunch of other supergroups decide to get involved. Little to they know that Prime isn't against using force to protect himself. He brually murders several heroes before being flung into the speedforce by the Flashes. When he returns in issue 6, he's ready for a rematch with the regular Superboy resulting in that character's death. Prime's fury continues in the final issue, killing Green Lanterns on his way to try and destroy the universe. Hopefully during his stay in the Green Lanterns' prison he'll get some psychotherapy.

Most Overrated Artist: Michael Turner. Although I recognize that he does have talent and can draw some attractive women, Turner really needs to work on his backgrounds and his anatomy. Why Marvel and DC are so ga-ga over his painful covers is a mystery to me.

Most Overrated Writer: Brian Michael Bendis. Bendis is an anomoly to me. I like his work for the most part, but it always seems to follow the same formula; lotsa words, mystery, more words, plot twist, more words, euphanism for penis, let-down finale. Maybe he's working on too many books right now or maybe he's still upset that he didn't get to write Civil War. Whatever it is, I'd like to see a return to the rebel Bendis, who took more chances and wasn't so caught up in making changes to established characters just for change sake.

Most Underrated Artist: Ivan Reis. This guy pinch-hit on Infinite Crisis and was a welcome addition to the book. His current work on Green Lantern is clean and exciting. His style is reminicient of Jim Lee and Phil Jimenez with its own unique qualities. Hopefully he'll be on GL for some time before getting an even bigger gig.

Most Underrated Writer: Greg Pak. His storyline for Planet Hulk is far stronger than he gets credit for. Merging a variety of characters and giving each one a unique voice is talent enough, but making the Hulk both sympathetic and a raging monster takes real effort, and it's in fine display here.

Best Artist: Steve McNiven. Wizard also named him artist of the year and with good cause. McNiven's been knocking it out of the park since he started on Marvel Knights 4. With his current stint on Civil War breaking sales records, he's easily solidified himself as one of the top artists in the biz. His work is unique and dynamic, and he brings a level of detail to every character that makes them jump off the page. He is just as adept on smaller, more intimate scenes as he is on giant splash pages. And he resides in my hometown!

Best Writer: Geoff Johns. There are a lot of great writers out there today. Grant Morrison, Brian K. Vaughan, Joss Whedon, Ed Brubaker and Brad Meltzer all deliver A+ work consistantly, but for sheer number of quality titles over the past year, Johns takes the gold. As the architect for Infinite Crisis, Johns crafted an intricate and exciting event and helped set the bar for the current state of the DCU. He also currently writes Green Lantern, Teen Titans and the newly-launched Justice Society of America. Not only that, he also co-writes the weekly 52 comic and Action Comics with Richard Donner. Quantity is not why Johns is above the rest; his writing is excellent. He is a dream comic writer, referencing the past while pushing and evolving characters we know and love. No one writer is as integral to DC's current success as Johns is, and they continue to give him room to breathe within the sandbox.

Best Single Issue: Justice League #1. When it was announced that Brad Meltzer would be writing the re-launch of DC's premier super-team, fanboys everywhere foamed in anticipation. His literary pacing and expansive knowledge of DC history and its characters helped make his work on Identity Crisis in 2004 a huge success. I can safely say that there was no better person to take on the League. Like any good writer, he slyly placed the focus in isse #1 on secondary characters, particularly the Red Tornado, while leaving the main characters to vote on membership into the new League. Not only do we gain insight into these people, but why some of these so-called 'B and C-list heroes' are in this new iteration of the League. Meltzer not only crafts an interesting beginning to his story-arc, but throws in many concepts we hope he gets to explore in the next 11 issues of his run. Ed Benes, his artist of choice, is spot-on in his work here. Known mainly for his sexy Birds of Prey art, Benes is at the top of his game here and a pitch perfect choice for Meltzer's wingman. Sandra Hope's inks are, as always, dynamic and the colors by Alex Sinclair jump off the page. Complaints of Meltzer's pacing are unwarranted here. Although it's nice to see lots of action, the new DCU is a place of characters and stories, not mindless fights, and the writer treats the story like any good novel in building his world. With 4 issues out, this is shaping up to be one of the best Justice League tales in recent memory and on the strength of the first issue, I can safely say that I'm in for the long run.

Best Mini-Series: Infinite Crisis. I was hoping Civil War would be finished by year's end to see how these two universe changing behemoths compared to one another as a whole. Fortunately Marvel pushed Civil War back to give Steve McNiven time to finish the work he started. It was a wise move, but it means that Infinite Crisis is left unapposed in this category.
As an unabashed superhero fan, Infinite Crisis is, to me, every reason why I started collecting comics again. This massive storyline, which only culminated in Infinite Crisis, was begun almost three years prior and spanned every single DC comic. At its core, Infinite Crisis is about the price of change and how too much change can cause people to loose sight of what's most important to them. Yes, there are deaths, and yes, there are huge battles here, but what's most compelling are the characters. Main villains Alexander Luthor and Superboy Prime only want to create the perfect world without conflict and pain, a place where they can live a relatively normal life. Both have no family, no home, no life to speak of. What motivates them is not evil intents, but those of justice and harmony.
Infinite Crisis is not perfect. The art changes halfway through, although relatively harmless, do take away from the impact of the story. The final issue's graphical glitches are much worse and taint what is otherwise a fine ending to this tale. These minor quibbles aside, this is DC at its finest. Geoff Johns, Phil Jimenez, Jerry Ordway, Ivan Reis, George Perez and Jim Lee crafted a massively entertaining storyline here, and now that the story is out in hardcover with the art problems fixed, it is a must buy even if you have the single issues.

Best Series: Astonishing X-Men. I've said it before and I'll say it again; this is the best thing on comic shelves right now. I don't usually make trips to the comic store in the middle of the week, but when Astonishing is out, I am there on Wednesday ready to dive right in. Just why this comic is so damned good is no one's surprise; Joss Whedon and John Cassiday. Whedon was born to write these characters. He brings so much depth and interest to these people we thought we already knew Marvel should have him on retainer as a consultant for the other X-writers. His most recent storyline, Hellfire and Brimstone, had The Hellfire Club (with Emma's help) lay waste to the team in an attempt to retrieve something of great importance to Cassandra Nova. Every issue had the reader on the edge of their seat as each member of the team was decimated. Logan thought he was his 12 year old self, Beast had gone feral and Cyclops had seemingly lost his optic blast ability. With only Kitty left to rescue the team, she had to use all her instincts and abilities to get the upper hand on Hellfire and save her friends. Alhough the ending leads right into Whedon and Cassiday's final arc, it's a fantastic way to close off this chapter in the tale. Whedon knows how to keep his audience coming back for more, and I assure you the frustration here is related only to how long one must wait for the next issue to come out.
John Cassiday is the other star here. His realistic portrayal of the X-Men and their enemies gives this book a theatrical quality not seen in most comic books. His work is so detailed that it's the rare occasion that this book comes out more than bi-monthly. Given the effort and execution here, I'd rather wait for over a month than have some fill-in work on the book. Whedon's work here is tied directly to Cassiday's art; at this point, one cannot work as well without the other.
I could go on and on about how much I like this book. In an industry filled with talent and quality, this is the benchmark. Anyone disappointed with X-Men: The Last Stand who hasn't read these books should go right now and buy the first collection of Whedon and Cassiday's run. Not only does it introduce characters and themes the filmmakers used in the movie, it's also better written, has better action and even looks better. No matter which way you look at it, Astonishing X-Men is a brilliant book.

Honourable Mentions: Ex Machina, 52, All-Star Superman, Action Comics, The Walking Dead, Batman, Green Lantern, 100 Bullets, Captain America, Daredevil (which I don't read, but hear amazing things about)

Well that's it until after Christmas! I'll see you all then for my look at Videogames and then sometime after that will be my wrap up, where I throw in any miscillanious stuff I forgot to mention already. Happy Ho-Ho!

-AT